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Seventh Commandment IV
A Sermon on Marriage. Divorce, and Remarriage
When we embarked on our survey of the Seventh Commandment, which reads simply “Do not commit adultery,” we began by listening to a conversation between Jesus and the Pharisees regarding marriage and divorce. We observed that Jesus went all the way back to Genesis 1 and 2 to lay the foundation of the Creator’s will for marriage. I thought I would follow His example, so I did the same, and we spent two weeks laying the foundation for marriage in Genesis 1 and 2. Last week we looked closely at Jesus’ words in Matthew 5 about the inner purity and faithfulness which is implied by the commandment, “Do not commit adultery.”.
This week we turn our attention back to the conversation between Jesus, the Pharisees and the disciples in Matthew 19, back to the issue of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Before we read this passage again and I begin commenting on it, I’d like to point out my own understanding of whom I think I am talking to today.
First, there are those here who are divorced and remarried. As I said last week, no matter how you came about being remarried, no matter how many times you have been married, my desire as your friend and pastor is to encourage you to make your current marriage all it can be, to help your Christian life and service to Christ as a couple to be as full and rich as it can reasonably be in this life, and to help you deal with the normal human consequences of divorce, dealing rightly with your former spouse, with step children, with your own children who have been affected by this in various ways, and with yourself and emotional burden you may be carrying into the present.
Second, there may be some here who are married and considering divorce. Yes, as we will see, there are certain legitimate biblical grounds for initiating and proceeding with a divorce with a clear conscience. But apart from these grounds I want you to see the moral seriousness of your decisions. Divorce isn’t a morally neutral matter. We are no more free morally to contemplate divorce than we are to contemplate stealing or murder or lying.
Third, there are those here who may be divorced and not remarried. You may have children and you may not. Again, I desire as your friend and pastor to help you deal with the of human consequences of divorce. I am aware that you may have some very real honest questions. Am I free to remarry? How can I deal in the meantime with singleness again, with aloneness? Where can I get help and encouragement in being a single parent?
Fourth, there are those here who are single and have never been married. As we will see, Jesus also has something important to say to you, that will perhaps help you as you consider the possibility of marriage in your future.
OK, having said all of that, let’s read this important section of Matthew 19:1-12:
When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Wow. There is a lot there to unpack here, so let’s get to it.
Jesus is now in his third year of ministry. Peter has confessed Jesus to be the Christ. Jesus has been transfigured, has predicted his impending death, and has set his sights upon Jerusalem. By the time we get to Matthew chapter 19 Jesus has left Galilee taking his ministry of teaching and healing down to Judea, nearer to Jerusalem, nearer to his final destiny on the cross.
As usual the Pharisees are dogging him, testing and opposing him at every turn, trying to find a reason from within Judaism to condemn him (by getting him to contradict Moses), or trying to alienate him from the crowds, or trying to get him in trouble with Herod, in this case by embroiling him in the Herod/Herodias affair, which is what got John the Baptist beheaded.
So we read, verse 3:
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
In Jesus’ day divorce was very common. There was a wide array of opinion about divorce, just as there is today. But within mainstream Judaism there were two schools of thought, one very lenient, one more strict, both very male-centered. In both views it was only the man who could put away his wife, not the other way around. Both of these schools looked to a rather obscure passage in Deuteronomy and interpreted it differently. We need to look at that passage ourselves (Deuteronomy 24:1-5):
If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance. If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.
This passage is not about the question “What are grounds for divorce?” It really shouldn’t be used to answer that question.
This passage actually deals with a very narrowly defined situation. A man puts away his wife. She remarries. Her next husband divorces her, or he dies, or whatever. The point of the passage is that the first husband should not remarry her. We are reminded that we should be very cautious about deriving broad doctrines and principles from passages that are addressing specific narrowly defined issues.
Obviously though, this passage shows that Moses at least recognizes the fact of divorce, and perhaps even permits it under certain circumstances. The question in Jesus’ day was what are the circumstances in which divorce is permitted? On what grounds may a man put away his wife? Specifically, what is the “indecency” mentioned in verse 1 of the Deuteronomy passage?
The lenient school of thought, those that followed rabbi Hillel, interpreted this indecency as meaning anything the husband didn’t like, which might include things like improperly cooked meals, nagging, bothersome in-laws – whatever.
The stricter school, those that followed rabbi Shammai, believed that the “indecency” had to do with a serious sexual offense, perhaps adultery, or dishonesty about being a virgin. You should not put away a wife unless there has been a serious offense.
But even in the stricter school, even if you did put away a wife for a more trivial reason than Moses intended, even though that was not right, you could still remarry. The question is, which school will Jesus side with? What will be his approach? Well, as we might expect, Jesus teaches God’s way, God’s will. As we have seen, He bypasses the passage in Deuteronomy and goes all the way back to the beginning, to God’s original intention for marriage. If we want to understand marriage let’s go back to the blueprints!
We pick up in Matthew 19 at verse 4:
"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female, 'and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Jesus goes back to the beginning, to creation, to the Creator’s will for his creation. Human beings we were made by the creator as male and female. They were made to complement each other. because God made them this way. Because the woman was “bone of his bones,” of the same stuff as the man, taken from him and made for him as a suitable opposite, the man is to leave father and mother and be joined together with his wife, becoming one flesh. And so, Jesus concludes, “What God has joined, let man not separate.”
The oneness, the indivisibleness of the new unit, symbolized by their sexual union – this is an essential part of the Creator’s plan for his world. This is the plan for man and woman, the plan for family, the plan for human society. And so, let man not thwart God’s intention. So, really, Jesus aligns Himself more with Malachi than with either Hillel or Shammai. God hates divorce. It is man’s idea, not God’s.
Well, the Pharisees are not satisfied. And now it looks as if they might have a way of getting Jesus to contradict Moses.
“If all you say is true,” they ask in verse 7, then:
… why did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
Ah hah! We’ve got you now, Jesus. Moses commanded the man to send his wife away in the case of indecency. Jesus, you don’t have it right. What God has joined man can separate, indeed, he must separate, if there is indecency.
No, not at all, Jesus replies, in verse 8,
Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.
Moses didn’t command you to put your wives away. rather, he presupposed that you were doing this, and in that sense permitted it, and for the reason that your hearts were hard.
“But,” Jesus goes on to say, “it was not this way in the beginning.”
Divorce was not and is not part of the Creator’s design. It is never to be thought of as a God-ordained, morally neutral option, but as evidence of sin and hardness of heart. Jesus isn’t saying here merely getting a divorce shows hardness of heart. Sin and hardness of heart already exist in a marriage before there is divorce. There may be unfaithfulness, lack of commitment, brutality. In other words, even in the conservative or restrictive reading of the passage in Deuteronomy, the circumstances which would lead a man to consider putting away his wife themselves testify to hardness of heart.
The whole way the Pharisees are looking at it is wrong. They are going to the passage in Deuteronomy looking for reasons a man may legitimately put away a wife. This is not the point of the passage in Deuteronomy, and it shouldn’t be the point of concern for the Pharisees.
We shouldn’t be asking the question, “For what reasons may I get a divorce?” We should be asking the asking the question, “How can we be in agreement with the Creator’s plan for marriage?”
Now Jesus gives his authoritative judgment on the matter, in verse 9:
I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
In other words, Jesus is saying that if someone puts away or divorces his wife, for a reason other than marital unfaithfulness, and then marries another woman, he commits adultery with the other woman.
This verdict of Jesus about divorce and remarriage appears in several places in the gospels. I’d like to look at two of these other places briefly so that we can understand where many views of remarriage and divorce come from.
Jesus had spoken about the issue of divorce and remarriage back in Matthew 5:32, just after his authoritative verdict about lust being like adultery.
There He said basically the same thing, nuanced a little differently: Matthew 5:31-32:
"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Notice that here Jesus is concerned about what happens with the woman who is put away by the man. Divorce her for reasons other than marital unfaithfulness, and you cause her and the one who marries her to commit adultery when she remarries.
In this section of Matthew 5, the subject is adultery. The real question of this passage isn’t what are grounds for divorce, but what are grounds for remarriage without committing adultery. Adultery is the overriding issue.
Jesus is teaching that a paper divorce does not get us out from under the commandment “do not commit adultery.” What the civil authority may see as a divorce, God may still see as a marriage, and what the State may see as a remarriage, God may see as an adultery, since in His eyes the person is really still married.
Thus, if I see a person I would rather be married to, I can’t divorce my wife, and then marry that person with a clear conscience. No, the only way I can legitimately “put away” my wife, and then remarry without that remarrying being adultery, is if my wife commits adultery or some other serious sexual offense. In that case, she has in effect broken the bond of oneness and killed the marriage, and I am free to divorce her, and then to remarry.
In summary, what Jesus is saying is that unless the divorce is brought about by the other party’s marital unfaithfulness, then God doesn’t recognize the divorce as a divorce, which means that one is committing adultery when remarrying.
It also helps to see the way this comes across in the book of Mark 10:11-12:
He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."
In Mark we notice two things:
First, we do not find the words “except for marital unfaithfulness.” These words have been called the “exception clause.” There is no “exception clause” in the Mark passage.
Some believe that the Mark passage reflects Jesus’ real teaching, that there really are no exceptions and that divorce and remarriage are never permitted, and that either Matthew has added the clause to soften the impact of Jesus’ words, or that the exception clause doesn’t mean what we think it means.
We will get to the meaning of that clause in a moment. What about the omission of the words in Mark? We cannot say in this case that Jesus said two different things at two different times. The passages in Mark 10 and Matthew 19 refer to the same event. So either Matthew added the words or Mark omitted them. I believe the latter is what happened. The most reasonable explanation for the exception clause not being in the Mark passage is that the main force of Jesus teaching is about the permanency of marriage, and that the exception would be assumed by Mark’s audience.
The second thing we notice in the Mark passage is that Jesus applies the principle to women as well as men. The issue runs both ways.
And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."
OK, let’s go back to the passage in Matthew 19. Let’s look for a moment at the exception clause, “except for marital unfaithfulness.”
The Greek word phrase used here is “epi porneia.” The preposition epi is translated here as “except,” except for marital unfaithfulness. Now there are some who do not believe there are any exceptions, and that divorce is prohibited under all circumstances.” Many Roman Catholic scholars suggest that epi has a different meaning than “except.” Without going into the details here, which I will go into if someone really wants to pursue it, I think the obvious way to translate epi is in fact by our word “except,” that to do so otherwise bends the rules of Greek too much, and is motivated by a view that Jesus can’t sanction divorce under any circumstance. There is an exception to Jesus’ no divorce verdict.
The meaning of porneia has vexed the church for two millennia. Some, particularly Roman Catholic scholars, have taken it to refer to incest, the idea being that many pagan people who were becoming Christians were already in marriages that Jews would have regarded as incestuous, and Jesus does not want them to think that his prohibition of divorce applied to their illicit marriages, which they of course must get out of. Others believe porneia refers to the discovery of premarital unchastity. Others believe that porneia here means adultery, and only adultery. Yet there is another Greek word for adultery, and porneia usually has a broader range of meaning. Generally the word porneia refers to a broad range of sexual sins, adultery included, and that is what I believe it refers to here.
In summary, looking at all that has been said by Jesus, we may say that Jesus thinks that divorce always involves sin and hardness of heart; it is not what the Creator intended. But just as Moses permitted it because certain sins, so does Jesus, but on the sole grounds of porneia, or sexual sin. To put away a husband or wife for any other reason is to cause them to commit adultery if they remarry, and is to cause yourself to commit adultery if you remarry. But if a spouse has been unfaithful, committing adultery, or being guilty of other weighty sexual offenses, then the offended party is free to divorce and remarry, and do so with a clear conscience. Why? Because the one who is unfaithful has in effect already broken and violated the oneness of marriage, has already torn asunder what God had joined.
The Westminster Confession puts it this way in chapter 14, section 5: I commend this to you as an excellent summary.
Adultery or fornication committed after a contract, being detected before marriage, giveth just occasion to the innocent party to dissolve that contract. In the case of adultery after marriage, it is lawful for the innocent party to sue out a divorce: and after the divorce, to marry another, as if the offending party were dead.
Now I need to say here that Jesus is making a powerful case for the permanency of marriage. If I am mistaken in my understanding of Jesus’ words, my error is on the side of greater leniency, and the correct view, if mine isn’t correct, is undoubtedly more strict than mine. Jesus lays down the Creator’s position in no uncertain terms: marriage is to be permanent. What God has joined, let man not separate.
The fact that there is an exception clause should not be exploited by people. “OK, “I may think, “I want out, now how can I construe my spouse as being unfaithful? How can I rationalize getting out with a clear conscience?” Our view should always be that our marriage is forever, and we will be committed to it. If my partner breaks the covenant by being unfaithful, then I can’t control his or her choice. They have dissolved the bond, and with sorrow I may choose, although I don’t have to choose this, to file for divorce. But as far as it depends on me, my attitude should be that I’m in this for the long haul, through thick and thin, and I will be faithful.
Well, this teaching bothered the disciples, and they took a rather surly position. Verse 10:
The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
In other words, they are saying, if marriage is to be permanent in this way, it is better not to marry! Hey, it’s a good thing the disciples aren’t trying to make a living leading marriage seminars.
What is Jesus’ response to the disciples? Verse 11:
Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.
What Jesus is saying here is that not everyone can accept the disciple’s conclusion that it is better not to marry. Jesus believes marriage to be good, even though He is realistic about the difficulties in a fallen world. He knows that long term commitment to one person in a fallen world can be hard. He understands how one could conclude that it is better not to marry. But, not everyone can accept this conclusion, just those “to whom it is given.” Verse 12:
For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
In other words, some are born celibate, with no biological interest in marriage or with no apparent sexual need. Others are made that way, i.e. castrated, for whatever reason Jesus doesn’t condone the practice, of course, but notes that for some this has happened. Others choose to be celibate for the sake of the kingdom, so as to concentrate their energies and time on the work of the gospel. For those to whom it is given, who are able to be both single and righteous, who can remain single without burning with passion, yes, it is better not to marry.
You know, I really appreciate Jesus’ realism. His view of marriage is solid and uncompromising, but it is not romantic or utopian. For many, for those to whom it has been given, it is better not to marry.
But let’s go back to the primary question of the passage. What do Jesus’ words say to those of us in the various categories I mentioned when I started?
First of all, what about those of us who are divorced and remarried. I want to be really honest and straightforward. It is possible that you divorced your spouse because he or she was unfaithful. You were free to remarry, and you did, and as far as that marriage was concerned, it was as if that former spouse was and is dead. Maybe your spouse left for other reasons and was later remarried. In doing this he or she committed adultery, and again, you were free to remarry.
But maybe you left the marriage for reasons not included in Jesus’ exception here. Jesus’ words may be hard for you. But let’s just say for the sake of discussion that you did it all wrong. Say you left your spouse for another man or woman. Say you were tired of the marriage and you walked out and later remarried. You feel the sting of Jesus’ words, that one who does this commits adultery. Perhaps you have dealt with this already. But maybe you haven’t, and these words anger or discourage you. You may have guilt that has never been dealt with. Do not be hardened in your heart because of anger, or because of a desire to rationalize your past. See the past for what it was, soften your heart before the Lord, confess and repent, and get on with your new marriage in the power and meekness of Christ. The promise of the gospel is for you, and God’s mercies are new every morning.
If you are now remarried, your new vow, your new relationship, is what is most important today. I believe God wants to make something beautiful of every marriage relationship here in this room today, no matter how it came about, no matter how many times we may have been married and remarried, no matter how we came to be married. He wants your present marriage to be all it can be, and for you to glorify Him in it. That is what I want as well.
What about those of you who may be divorced and not remarried. What is Jesus saying to your situation? Are you free to remarry? If both you and your former spouse are professing believers, and if neither of you are remarried, I believe the first thing to do is to seek reconciliation. I have seen this happen and seen broken marriages brought back together. If your spouse was unfaithful, you are free to carry on and remarry with a clear conscience. You are also free to seek reconciliation. That is up to you. If your spouse is remarried, then, no matter how your own marriage ended, there is no hope of reconciliation, and I would say you are free to remarry. If your spouse remains chaste, and yet does not wish to reconcile, this is very difficult, and I cannot say that you are free to remarry. But this is very rare, and I have only ever known of one person in this situation.
What about those who are single? We live in a fallen world that is possessed by romantic idealism. In this context I say that marriage is over rated. If you are able to get along just fine without being married, rejoice. You may be one “to whom it has been given” and may be quite happy in your singleness. If you are not one of these, then my advice is to be faithful in the spheres of responsibility and relationship that you have, and wait patiently for the Lord’s provision.
He is more than able to bring into your life just the kind of person that would be good and right for you to marry. Be careful not to let your desire turn into desperation and cause you to go into an unwise marriage. All things being equal, it is better to be struggling with being single than to be in a bad marriage. Remember that the sense of aloneness or alienation you feel is part of the human predicament not the single predicament, and is not all filled up in this life by marriage.
What about those here who are married, and struggling, and perhaps even considering divorce. As Jesus did, I would point you back to God’s design for marriage in Genesis 1 and 2. You are called to cleave to your spouse, and to be one flesh. You are called to be committed to your marriage, and as far as you are concerned, to consider it not an option to leave the marriage. This is a serious moral issue, just as serious as murder and stealing and idolatry.
I find it odd really that people so easily ponder walking out on their marriages who would not dare ponder murdering or stealing. They come to me and ask, “Should I leave my husband? Should I leave my wife?” And I say, “Should I kill my wife?” “Should I embezzle money from the church?” They say, “No, of course not!” And I say, “Why not?” And they say, “Because it’s wrong.” And I say, “Likewise for you.”
This is the import of Jesus’ teaching. Marriage is to be permanent. You can’t control what your spouse does, but you can control what you do. To leave your marriage epi porneia, “except for unfaithfulness,” is to cause adultery to happen. If you want to walk in the way of Jesus, you are to continue to strive to be faithful externally and internally to your marriage.
Every marriage is somewhere on the continuum between as good as it can be and as bad as it can be. Jesus and the disciples both recognized the challenges that are there in remaining faithful to one person over a lifetime in a fallen world. And yet, faithful commitment to your husband or wife is God’s will for your life.
The permanency of marriage offers the only sound structural foundation for community and society. But it also allows for the growth and development of that kind of love which God wants to bring about in our lives. Marriage is a garden where the fruit of the Spirit can grow. It asks us to renounce ourselves and follow Jesus, to learn the way of the cross. In marriage relationships we can learn to love as Jesus loved. That above anything is our purpose in life.
I believe that no marriage is hopeless and no marriage is guaranteed safe and secure. I have seen what appeared to be hopeless marriages turn around by God’s grace, and what appeared to be good marriages crash and burn. Marriage depends on two people continuing to work hard and make right choices. But the command comes to us first as individuals. I am not called to love my wife to the extent that she is working hard at loving me. I am called to love her as Christ has loved me. Period.
Some marriage relationships are things of beauty indeed. Others are fraught with trouble. Most are a mixed bag, sometimes great, sometimes really difficult, usually OK. If you are in a marriage situation that truly is difficult, turn your sorrow and frustration and need into a spiritual asset, by turning your heart to the Lord, crying out to Him, coming to know Him as your provision. Let his invitation be your life’s strength.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Let your present trouble build in you a beautiful hope of heaven, a hope and joy which will give you great strength and beauty as a child of God. Let your trouble be God’s way of teaching you to love the unlovely, to give without expecting return. In this you become like your Lord Jesus.
But, coming back to this life, remember that every command implies a promise. God does not ask us to do the impossible. He makes Himself available to give strength and wisdom and self control. He provides access to resources, to books, to video series, to other couples. So I am not saying let’s be happy with mediocre marriages. We do need to work and strive to become what God intended in the beginning.
This is one reason we are saved, to become what we were made to be in the first place. But we work and strive with a measure of wisdom and realism, always pressing forward, always growing in love, always seeking to put on Christ, and always learning to love as He has first loved us.
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