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The Ninth Commandment II
Speaking of Others….
You know, I continue to be impressed, even amazed at how “human” Christian spirituality is at the heart of it. By “human” I mean having to do with normal everyday human life and human relationships. I guess the only way this could be “striking” to me would be if I had been inclined in some way in another direction, or if I had drunk long and deep of another perspective.
I guess our American Christian culture has formed each of us in ways that would make the humanness of spirituality somewhat surprising. But the essence of Christian spirituality is not primarily having a certain gift of the Spirit. It is not a certain “experience” of prayer or communion with God that we so desire to have. It isn’t having impeccable doctrine. It isn’t having deep conversations or deep prayer in small groups. It isn’t the “deep life.” It isn’t a lot of the things we may feel are so crucial to “really being spiritual.”
To be spiritual is to walk in the Spirit, to bear the fruit of the Spirit.
To be spiritual is to put on Christ, to become like Christ.
To be spiritual is to seek the kingdom of God, and to walk in the ways of the kingdom.
To be spiritual is to obey all he has commanded us.
What is that first and primary fruit of the Spirit which defines all the others? It is love. In what most profound sense are we to become like Christ? We are to be like Him in His love, to love as he loved us as he died for us and suffered in our place! What does it mean to walk in the way of the kingdom? To walk in the way of love! If we are to obey all He commanded us, what are the greatest commandments? To love!
The essence of Christian spirituality is love, and love in an inescapably human sense. We cannot talk about love in a potential or theoretical sense. Love is relational. It is everyday. The mark of the Christian is love. The essence of Holy Spirit Christian sanctification is love.
I think that we shy away from this because love really is a lot harder than all these super spiritual things we may be into or long for. Like moths to the light we hanker after either performance or experience.
But Christ-like biblical love is the hardest thing there is. It requires more fundamental internal and external change than anything else. And change, real costly change inside is what we most fear and wish to avoid.
See, I can be into the “deep things of the Spirit” just because that fills a need for me;
I can be into doctrine because I’m an intellectual guy;
I could be into the experience of deep prayer in small groups because that what I like:
I could be into solemn liturgical worship in a beautiful old sanctuary or lively spontaneous contemporary worship in with a worship band;
I could be into all of these and still in my normal life not be a person who loves, who is motivated by self sacrificially seeking the good of others, both in word and in deed, who considers others more important then himself. This is love, that Jesus laid down his life for us, and we are to lay down our lives for our brothers. The presence of this love is the surest sign of spiritual vitality.
We have seen that as we draw out the full meaning of the Ten Commandments we are learning what love looks like. Love respects parents. Love guards and protects life. Love is faithful and pure. Love gives and honors and protects the property of others.
Now, as we continue in the Ninth Commandment, we are reminded that much of what love is has to do with what we say and how we say it. With our tongues we love and hate, we build up or tear down, we uphold or ruin, we bless or curse.
There is more to love then talking of course. We are told not to love merely in word, but in deed as well. We don’t just tell a starving person we love them, we give them food. We don’t just tell a lonely person we’ll pray for them, we invite them over. But in many cases the word is the deed. For often the person has lots to eat but is starving for comfort, for encouragement, for hope, and we bring these with our words. We love others in our words to them.
We also love or hate individuals in the way we talk about them. And interestingly, in the way we speak of others we show that we love God and His church and his world. In our speech we may calm down or intensify a conflict, we may bring unity or division – all of which hurts people in the corporate sense, and if we are talking about the church, causes untold harm to it and the to the honor of God himself. We cannot love God, no matter what we say to the contrary, if we are bringing harm to His body in our words about others.
So we love or hate others in the words we speak to them. And we love or hate others in the words we speak about them.
To love others is to actively seek their good. It is to honor them, to build them up, to protect their reputation. To the extent that we do this, we are spiritual, we are like Christ, we are walking in the Spirit, to the extent we don’t do this we are not spiritual, we are not Christ-like, we are not walking in the Spirit. We do this or don’t do this in our everyday life speech, in our everyday real life interactions with other human beings.
Words have power. They have power to spread and power to penetrate.
The primary biblical image of how words can spread damage is the image of fire. James compares the damage the tongue can do with the spread of a fire. James 3:5:
Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
Just a little word of gossip, slander, innuendo, negativity can grow and spread and devour an entire people!
Or as Solomon puts it in Proverbs 16:27
A scoundrel plots evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire.
… and in Proverbs 26:20:
Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.
Quarrels, divisions, schisms, rebellions, conflicts – these have destroyed kingdoms, nations, churches, families, and these spread like fire through the use of the tongue.
Words also have the power to penetrate to the inner person.
Proverbs 12:18:
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 16:24:
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Proverbs 18:8:
The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts.
Words exploit our tendency to sin, our tendency not to love. We are angry at a person, and so we welcome a bad word about that person and take it in to our inmost part. We are jealous of another’s success or gifts, and we delight to hear of chinks in their armor. We are insecure about ourselves, and so we delight to hear that others are as bad as we are. We are angry and bitter in general, and we willingly receive words that disparage a company or tear down a person, because that is what anger wants to do, to strike out, to bring down, to see others fall in some way.
But this is not the way of Christ. Rather, it is our solemn duty and privilege as children of God to uphold, protect, and preserve our neighbor’s good name. We do this in the same ways and for the same reasons that we uphold our neighbor’s life and property. Why? Because a person’s name is one of their most treasured possessions.
Proverbs 22:1
A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
Proverbs 3:3
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
Is it possible for a person to be over concerned about his or her reputation? Yes. It is also possible for a person to be over concerned about their property, but we don’t steal it or deface their property just to teach them a lesson. A person can even be over concerned about his life, but we don’t endanger his life just to teach them to seek the kingdom of heaven
Just because a Christian must be willing to die to their reputation for Christ’s sake, to give all they have for Christ, and to lay down their lives for Christ doesn’t mean we are called to steal, kill, and defame!
In may ways a person’s good name is more important even than their lives or property. If the choice was between an honorable reputation and poverty on the one hand, and a dishonorable reputation and wealth on the other, would you not choose the former. Would you not rather die with your integrity than live without it.
And so a crucial way that we love our neighbors is by upholding their name and reputation when they are not around. This is certainly one of the great applications of the golden rule, that we would do unto others as we would have them do unto us. How do like people talking about you, casting dispersions on your name, dragging your name through the mud?
God is very keen about this, which is why there are so many commandments about gossip, slander, detracting, murmuring, whispering, dissension, back biting, belittling and so on. These are all biblical words, used in various places:
whispering spreading confidential or especially derogatory remarks, rumor mongering
slander utterance of false charges or misrepresentations which defame and damage another
person’s reputation
rumor talk or opinion disseminated with no discernible source, a report current without known
authority for truth
detract to speak ill of
detraction a lessening of reputation or esteem especially be envious, malicious, or petty criticism
backbite to say mean or spiteful things about
talebearer one that spreads gossip or rumors
We also disobey this word in our little knowing looks and facial expressions, our little insider jokes, our winks and innuendoes and hints, ‘Boy would I like to pipe in on this…”. This is all evil. This all is a failure to love.
Spreading dissension is one of the greatest evils in the church of Christ. We spread dissension when we pass along gossip, even if it is disguised as a prayer request. We spread dissension when by our silence we allow and permit negative innuendo or negative reports to spread about others. We spread dissension when we talk critically to others about our problems with another person. We spread dissension when we let our own personal malice or anger toward a person translate into unkind words about them to others.
Have you ever been around people that like to talk about and critique others when the others are not present. Well, guess who they are talking about when you are not present?
Someone has said:
"One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust
of those present."
So, ironically, it is the people who uphold the good name of their neighbor who themselves have a good name!
You’ve heard the saying, “what goes around comes around.” One of the ways this comes true, is that the person with whom you share your negative thoughts about another person may not be any better about holding their tongue than you are. There are many things I know, for example, that people have said about me to others, because the others told me! In fact, the others should have rebuked the person who told them, and left me out if it, but they don’t always do that.
Basically we are talking here about something the Lord really does not like. Indeed, speech which tears down others is one of those things the Lord hates.
Proverbs 6:16-19
There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
How do we respond to a situation where another person or group of persons starts talking negatively about a person not present? What are our options?
1. Walk away.
2. Be silent. Even if you are tempted to chime in.
Benjamin Franklin said:
“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
3. Say something to counter the perception, something which honors the party who is not present.
4. Lovingly rebuke your friend or friends for talking behind the other’s back.
5. Don’t spread whatever you hear, and don’t go off and talk to others about how terrible it was for your friends to be talking about your other friend.
Or imagine the following scenario.
Person A is having a problem with person B. Person A really has two options biblically. Suck it up and forbear person B, or go to person B and talk about the problems. But instead, person A decides to talk to various friends, say person C, D, and E about the problem with person B. Each of these analyze the situation and give person A advice. Person D, who also has a problem with person B, particularly enjoys finding out that person A too struggles with person B, and goes away feeling somewhat vindicated and satisfied. Person A finds comfort that others have problems with person B, and decides not to do anything. In the future persons A, C, D, and E make little knowing comments and glances and eye rolls when person B’s name comes up, a little too righteous to actually say mean things out loud about person B, but enjoying the camaraderie of shared disdain or criticism of person B.
Unfortunately, person F, who is a friend of person B, picks up on the situation. But instead of confronting person A who has spread the mischief about person B in the first place, person F decides to talk to friends G and H about the fact that B is being talked about by A, C, D, and E. Person F then decides out of Christian love to share her concerns with person B, who becomes embittered at persons A, C, D, and E. Soon, there are two subtle “parities” within the fellowship, A, C, D and E on the one hand, and B, F, G, and H on the other, the detractors and the defenders of person B. An undercurrent develops, which saps integrity and power from the witness of the church.
So what do you do? When someone comes to you to talk about their problems with another person, ask them whether they have talked directly with the other person. Tell them that you are not comfortable with a conversation about the other person unless it would build up that other person. If they say they are just trying to figure out the situation in order to know what to do, suggest that they figure it out first by talking to the other person directly, and offer to be involved after the fact if that would help. Offer to be a peacemaker, but only after the two have talked. Don’t get in the middle. Let one person first handle their own problems with another person.
There are things I’d rather not know. See, if you tell me that person A has a problem with me, the only way I can deal with person A is by breaking the confidence of your conversation with me. Or likewise, if you speak to me about a problem you are having with person A, even if you are right in your concern, what can I do with that? You usually don’t want me to talk to person A because then they would know you talked to me. So, if you don’t want me to talk to them, and if won’t talk to them, then don’t talk to me!
1. What about an elder?
1 Timothy 5:19
Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses.
2. What about business settings, where for example you are a reference, and you are asked things like, “well, are there any negatives or concerns you may have about this person?”
3. How do deal with knowing you have been talked about?
First of all, we should assume the best, that others are following the word and not doing what we fear. I have really struggled with this in my life, with worry over what I think or fear others might be saying about me. This really is a sign of my insecurity, a projection of my low self opinion upon others. Certainly they must feel as badly about me as I feel about me! But to assume that others are sinning in this way is, in a way, assuming them to be people of low character.
But, second, sometimes we are slandered and gossiped about. This is life in a fallen world where other people, we are amazed to discover, are as big a sinners as we are! I have been slandered before, and it ia a very hard thing to deal with. There is the very strong temptation to want to get even. There is a very strong desire to slander the slanderer. So how do I deal with this?
First, some public slander may have to be responded to publicly. It is not wrong to defend our reputation in appropriate ways.
Second, it is appropriate to confront the offending party. Of course they may laugh at you and slander you more than ever.
Third, it is often best just to keep quiet, not respond, entrust yourself to the Lord, and go about doing what God has set before you.
Psalm 37:1-4
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Fourth, you can return their slander with blessing. It is not to be met with retaliation, ever.
Matthew 5:11-12
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Fifth, you can use the situation as an opportunity for growth. There are fewer things in life more difficult for a person to deal with. David dealt with slander and with people who wanted to see him fall and fail, and we see in the Psalms how deeply this tore at his heart.
Sometimes we just have to say, “Lord, I can’t control what others say about me. I cannot control my reputation. Lord, I die to my reputation, I give that to you, and am content with your love for me. Enable me to be a man of integrity, to do well what you have called me to do and be, to walk with you, to know you as my sufficiency, whatever anyone may say. Help me not to be afraid, to be worried, to fret over what others think, but to delight only in you and what you think. May I not do anything that would disgrace you, that would cause others to speak ill of you on account of me. And Lord, I know I am really much worse than whatever they say about me. Lord, you know my heart, and you know my wickedness, and I rest Lord in your love, in your provision.
And so we are reminded again of how practical love is. Would you be obedient to God and love your neighbor? Then uphold and protect his reputation.
Amen |
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