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The Fifth Commandment I: Exodus 20:12
An exposition of the Fifth Commandment, the commandment to honor our parents, the commandment to honor our father and mother.
Biblical Christianity has always been distinct from many other religions, and from unbiblical Christian sects, in that it affirms the created order and its structures. It is not about some “spiritual” segment of life off on a corner somewhere. Christian spirituality has to do with how act, think, feel, and choose to do things in the midst of real life relationships. Thus love is at the core of all the commandments.
Love has to do with relationships, real relationships, even real relationships within the family. What could be more human, more creational, more everyday than parent child relationships? If you think you can live a “spiritual” life, a life which pleases God apart from how you carry out relationships, you are mistaken. But relationships between parents and children can be very complex, very personal, very rewarding, and sometimes very difficult. We are profoundly enmeshed in these relationships emotionally.
Some of us today are younger children living at home with a parent or parents. Some of us are older children or younger adults, beginning a process that will lead to independence from our parents. Most here right now are adults, and we either have parents, or have had parents. Our relationship with and toward parents doesn’t necessarily get easier the older we get. There are so many possible situations.
a parent who is getting quite old and who is in declining health.
a mother who treats you like a little child even though you are 50 years old
a father who beat or sexually abused you
an alcoholic parent
a parent who is divorced, and possibly remarried
a stepparent
a parent who died when you were a child
a well meaning parent with a different set of life values who is hurt when you don't take their advice
a parent in law
a critical despotic hard to please dad
a parent who manipulates using guilt
an overly zealous controlling Christian parent
a parent who never hugged or showed affection
a loving parent who disagree with you on what you should do with your life
These are the kind of realities which exist for us in this fellowship. In relationships with our parents we need direction. The Scripture may not give us direction in all the details of our situation, but it gives us general direction. I think of the Scripture that says, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”
A few years ago I was walking from the fellowship hall up to my office with a friend. He asked me how I was doing, and I told him fine, but that I had a throbbing headache just over my left eye. It was itch black in the hallway. He asked me where the light switch was, and I said not to worry, I could walk this with my eyes closed. Just as I said that I reached out my hand for the door knob and WHAM, I slammed right into the edge of the hall door, right over my right eye! Next time I turned on the light.
God’s word is a lamp unto our feet, and when it comes to this issue of our relationship with parents, we need all the light we can get.
Before I go on to look at the Fifth Commandment itself, let me mention a few reasons why this is a difficult topic.
1. It is extremely personal. The rubber meets the road in this aspect of our lives as Christians, and yet there are few areas where we feel less good about how we are doing. Many here today carry great guilt or great sorrow or a great sense of failure when they think about their relationship with their parents.
2. There is this huge range of experience even in this room. Some had and have rewarding and close relationships with parents. Many had and have difficult relationships with parents. Some have experienced profound suffering at the hands of their parents.
3. Given the general rubric of honoring parents, there is variation in the Scriptural teaching. By that I mean that some of the Scriptures dealing with how we honor our parents are clearly aimed at younger children, and some to older children. We have to be careful to understand context. A lot of hardship has come about from those who teach about principles of submission and respect without differentiating between these kinds of Scriptures. Plus, there are some Scriptures which provide limits to our allegiance to and obedience to our parents. Jesus said some very pointed things about how our allegiance to Him must supersede our allegiance to our parents.
4. Many people have recently lost parents or grandparents. Some have parents who are declining or even dying. It’s been 7 1/2 years since my father died. Despite some of his obvious external vices and faults, he was a good dad, and I miss him very much. I still dream about him. I still regret many things I said to him. My mother is living, and she is a very nice mom and grand mom. But I am not as close to her as I would like to be, and I don’t think I’m a very good son. The temptation with my mom is just to take her for granted and ignore her altogether.
5. Our society is anti-elderly, despite the political clout of the AARP. We honor youth, beauty, virility, athleticism, and not wisdom, experience, and office.
Let us look now at Exodus 20:12, the Fifth Commandment:
"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Now the first four commandments clearly dealt with our relationship to God, and thus have what we call a vertical relationship aspect.
We are to have no other gods
We are to make no idols
We are not to misuse God’s name
We are to remember the Sabbath
The last five commandments are oriented toward our relationship with our neighbor and thus have that horizontal human relationship aspect
Do not murder.
Do not commit adultery.
Do not steal do not give false testimony about your neighbor.
Do not covet.
The Fifth Commandment has both a horizontal and vertical element.
In one sense honoring our mother and father, them being people like ourselves, has to do with human relationships.In another sense, since our parents are God’s representatives and His ordained authority in our lives when we are young, thus honoring them is like honoring God Himself.
And so this commandment has to do with our relationship with God and our relationship with people.
Jesus very pointedly upholds and supports this commandment.
In Mark 7, the Pharisees are complaining to Jesus because the disciples aren’t washing their hands in the right way before eating. They are being very picky about an aspect of the cleanliness laws that is not even in the Mosaic Law. Jesus is more than a little frustrated at the way the Pharisees have lost sight of the forest for the trees.
With his usual sharp insight Jesus digs at the root of the Pharisee’s hypocrisy. Basically the situation was this. Jewish tradition had come to claim that people could invoke what we call a “Corban” formula which really was a kind of oath. By declaring money to be “Corban,” a person was making an oath to offer that money to God in some way. Even if this money was desperately needed by aging parents, the Pharisees would say that the Corban oath was binding, too bad for the parents of the one making the oath, too bad if the oath was made in the heat of an argument with a parent. And so Jesus shows how the real heart and intent of the law had been lost and buried under all the tradition that had built up over the centuries, tradition that had lost sight of the heart of the commandments.
And so Jesus is supporting the validity of the commandment to honor one’s parents. To care for one’s parents is a serious obligation. True spirituality is borne out in real relationships, not in private religious exercises off in a corner somewhere.
Paul repeats this practical application in 1 Timothy 5:4-8 where he teaches that a person is under obligation to care for aging parents. Not to do so is tantamount to denying the faith.
Finally, Paul repeats the Fifth Commandment in the famous and often misinterpreted passage in Ephesians 6:1-3:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise--"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
I say that this has been often misinterpreted because certain teachers often make this apply to older or adult non-married children, when in fact it refers to smaller children.
OK, the Fifth Commandment speaks of honoring parents, but just who is it exactly that we are supposed to honor? To whom does this commandment refer?
First of all, our biological parents, but more broadly, our parents in law, our step parents, our grandparents. More broadly this speaks to all of those who have localized authority, “loco parentus” as they say, which means teachers, scout leaders, adults watching us, baby sitters, etc. And of course, this commandment speaks to how we relate to all sorts of authority such as government, vocational, and church authority, but we will speak to all of those in turn.
But today we are concentrating on actual parents. So what does it mean to “honor” our parents?
Literally the Hebrew word KBD, which is translated as honor, means “to make heavy.” “Make heavy your father and your mother.”
This means that we are
to take our parents seriously,
to place them high in our priorities,
to consider them important to us
to treat what they say and what they think as important and weighty.
In practical terms we are
to honor their name publicly
to uphold and protect their reputation
to ask their opinion and consider it as important
to provide for the physical needs of elderly or sick parents
to give them our time and our company
to write to them
to call them and check in on them
to send them birthday cards and Valentine cards
to express gratitude to them for the things they did do right
to tell them we love them and appreciate them
to show affection to them
This also means, as we have seen, that we are to provide for the physical needs of our elderly parents. We are even under obligation to support them financially if we have to.
Negatively the Fifth Commandment means that
we are not to curse them or at our parents
we are not to belittle or mock our parents
we are not to strike our parents
we are not to act superior to our parents
we are not to speak caustically and sharply to our parents
Younger children, those of you still financially dependent upon your parents, for you honoring your parents also means that you are to obey your parents. It also means that you are to speak respectfully to them, both in terms of what you say and the tone of voice in which you say it. As you grow up, and as you become more and more financially and emotionally independent from your parents, you will still be under obligation to respect your parents, but not necessarily to obey them in every way.
And this transition can be difficult. There is no standard age of transition. There is no clear formula. But there is a time when to honor means to obey, and then there is a time when to honor doesn’t mean to obey.
“Now wait just a minute” you might be saying. You don’t know my parents. You don’t know what I have been through! You can’t possibly expect me to do all that honoring stuff you mentioned.
OK, I realize that there is a great range in the parent child relationship situations even here in this room.
Some of you have such solid and positive relationships with your parents and parents in law that doing the things I’ve outlined is as easy as breathing. If so, praise God, and be patient with me.
Many of you have relationships with parents that are not so easy. It’s easy to say the stuff I’ve said, but when it comes to spending a day with mom or dad or mother in law or step dad, well, it’s just not so easy. We are stuck in patterns of communication built up over formative years of time. We are conditioned to respond in certain ways to tone of voice signals. We often leave times with parent frustrated and guilty and feeling like a failure as a Christian. With some, there has been a long pattern of hurt, and under the surface there is deep anger, or sorrow, or guilt. How can you begin afresh. How can you put it behind you?
A few reminders are in order.
1. Nobody has ever been a perfect parent. All parents are sinners just like all children are sinners. Parenting will reveal our sin as well as anything else. All homes since Adam and Eve have been dysfunctional to some degree or another.
One of the Proverbs speaks of a grown child robbing his father and driving out his mother. This would happen when a man in his prime years had the burden of caring financially for his aging parents, and would actually kick them out of the family house. My point is that problems between parents and children have been going on a long time.
2. The Fifth Commandment applies equally to children of better parents and children of worse parents. Honor, in the sense given in the commandment, isn’t something parents earn. It is not a reward for good behavior. It is due parents simply because they are parents, because of their position and office not because of their character. Mind you, good parents are easier to honor than bad parents, but the obligation is there either way.
3. No one has ever chosen his or her parents. If God’s sovereignty means anything at all it means that God gave you your parents on purpose and He has chosen to mold you through them. Is doesn’t matter if you came to be through a rape or if you were put into the home of a drunk or an abuser. You didn’t pick your parents. Some of you are mad at God over putting you where He put you.
If you trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and I invite you to embrace Him, to receive Him even this very day, then you know that whatever you may have been through or are going through Jesus is there for you. He also suffered injustice. He was innocent and he suffered unspeakable sorrows and torment. I am not speaking merely of his sufferings physically. As Jesus bore the full weight of the wrath of a holy God against sin, He experienced more than any human being ever has what it means to be alienated from a Father. “My God, My God,” he cried out, “Why hast thou forsaken me?” No matter what torment we may have suffered, Jesus has suffered in like way. And so He is a good and faithful high priest who has suffered as we have suffered. One day there will be no more tears and no more sorrows. We will not be broken inside anymore from what we experienced as children. The pain will go away. And God will indeed work all of your experiences in this broken and sometimes very dark world toward the good of your holiness, your usefulness, and your relationship with Him. He can turn you, even through your unspeakable suffering, into instruments of mercy, grace, comfort, healing, and good in this sorrowful world.
Despite some of the things I went through as a child, I want to tell you today that I wouldn’t trade it. Through it all Christ has made me what I am -- not that I am anything great -- but I am and am becoming the me Christ wants me to be.
So what if you had parents who hurt you deeply? What can the command to honor parents possibly mean to you?
1. Make a decision in your heart before the Lord that you will seek to honor God by beginning to fulfill this command. He will show the way. But realize that this may be a life long effort with marginal results.
2. Make a special effort to come to know God as child to Father. Immerse yourselves in those Scriptures that teach about God’s real and true Fatherhood over us in Christ. I would recommend the writings of Jack Miller and J.I. Packer, both of whom have been wonderful expositors of the doctrine of Adoption. Learn as much as you can about the biblical doctrine of Adoption.
3. Find a substitute parent who can meet some of the needs you may have for a loving and godly older influence in your life. Perhaps it could be a grandparent or a friends parent or some here in your Christian church family.
4. Seek help from counselors and friends in developing strategies for dealing with ongoing difficult relationships. You may need as an adult child to find ways not to be suckered into unhealthy patterns of communication. You may need to develop strategies for standing up to a parent in a way that preserves their honor and dignity.
5. Try to understand what made your parent the way he or she is. Perhaps they experienced very difficult things from their parents.
6. Discover your parents in yourself. Perhaps you are more like them in some ways than you would wish. I am a strong believer that in Christ unhealthy patterns can be broken. This is a great joy and comfort to me. Yet sometimes when I see my father in myself, his weaknesses as well as his strengths, it enables me to give him a break and cut him some slack.
7. If you are living with a lot of unresolved anger and bitterness, maybe even hatred toward a parent, begin a process of working through it in a conscious and intentional way. Begin of course by praying. Cry out to God, but also pray that you would change. You may have to lovingly confront a parent if the parent you struggle with is alive. You may need to lay some things out on the table. Sometimes a parent does terrible things and then dies, leaving no route or avenue for repentance or resolution. Sometimes a parent simply cannot open up their emotions to confess or acknowledge certain things they did. One of the hardest things in life is to forgive when there is no repentance. But you simply must pray that God would grant you forgiveness. Unforgiveness will suck the life out of you. I have worked through situations with people where the most disgusting and heinous things were committed against them by there parents, and yet by a great miracle God granted them release form the burden of hatred and bitterness. You may need help from friends or counselors or people who have been through the same thing as you.
8. As your bitterness subsides and as your forgiveness becomes a reality, concentrate on things your parents did do right. Try to complement them for these things and acknowledge them. One of the things I am most thankful for with my father is that weeks before he died, right as I was graduating from seminary, I wrote him a letter thanking him for ways he had supported me whatever I did, and how that had meant a lot to me.
9. At the end of the day, after all is said and done, your relationship with your parent may never be great, no matter what you do. It takes two. But as much as it depends on you, be at peace with them. Some contemporary teaching on family suggests that the onus is almost completely on the Christian child. If only you respected enough, submitted enough, prayed enough, then they would come around. Well, it just isn’t so, whether we’re talking about Christian children or Christian wives or whatever. We cannot control what others do or don’t do, and we have no promises from God that everything will work out if only we do everything right.
10. All the while do not curse your parents; do not speak ill of them; preserve their reputation in the eyes of others. The whole world doesn’t need to know what your parents are really like. When you seek public prayer for your parents do so with discretion.
11. Remember that it is not wrong to choose a different course of life than your parents, even if they don’t like it. My father used to give me financial advice that I just couldn’t follow, and I know sometimes that looking at me within his values he must have thought I was nuts. Jesus did say “anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.” Yet we must be careful here. Many a rebellious Christian kid has pulled the “obey God rather than men card” on his parents simply as an excuse for rebelliousness. Others have clung to the ‘honor thy parents” commandment as an excuse for not obeying or following Christ. It is sometimes a thin line we must walk.
That being said sometimes our commitment to Christ will bring a dynamic into a relationship with a parent that complicates things beyond repair. Jesus acknowledged this when he said, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'
When my friend Richard, a Jew in a very Jewish family, came to Christ he did so against his mother’s wishes. His mother told him that his becoming a Christian was the worst thing that ever happened to her, even worse than her husband dying. She was extremely critical of everything he did thereafter. But Richard continues to love her and pray for her. He upholds her to his children.
12. Finally, he commandment to give weight to your parents applies to you no matter what your situation was or is. Remember, we are to honor them for their office, not their track record.
And what if you have hurt your parents deeply? Well, like the prodigal son, you too need to go back to your father and mother if they are alive, and seek their forgiveness. Not only is doing this right in itself, but as you humble yourself before a parent in this way, it adds integrity to your witness as a Christian.
In fact, honoring our parents is one clear way of differentiating ourselves from the world in general. It is also one clear way we teach children how to live well and prosper in this world. As Paul said in Ephesians 6 when quoting the Fifth Commandment, this is the one commandment with a promise.
The original commandment reads: "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Paul’s rendering of it goes this way: "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise--"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
Note that as Paul quotes the commandment he changes one small aspect to reflect the slightly different situation of the New Covenant era. He doesn’t say, “so that it will go well for you in the land,” but he says, “so that it will go well with you and you will enjoy long life on the earth.”
Jesus Christ is king over the whole earth. We as his children, clothed in his gentleness and meekness, will inherit the whole earth, not just the land. The people of God are no longer destined to inherit a little piece of real estate in Palestine. No, the gospel is going out to all corners of the earth, and Christians, although strangers and aliens on the earth, are placed all over and all around in it, scattered about in all corners of it, seeking the good of it where they are, living their lives in it until Jesus returns, until He returns and reclaims the whole earth for his honor.
And so it is appropriate for you to want your children to respect and honor you as their parents. A society where children honor parents is more secure and stable. This kind of society is in the best interest of children. Honoring you when they are young develops in children a way of mind and heart which makes it more “natural” for them to honor and respect God Himself. Learning to honor you will also help them to honor civil and vocational and educational authorities, which in general will be to their benefit.
This is a generality of course. Some children who honor their parents and who grow up to do a great job as adults honoring other authorities in their lives do not prosper in life, and some children who abuse and dishonor their parents and have problems with authority in general do prosper in life. Sometimes the wicked prosper and the righteous perish.
But as a rule it is in the best interest of children and society as a whole for children to honor their parents.
It is also in the interest of the gospel. Adult Christians who honor their adult parents, who do not speak ill of them, who love and respect them, these have a testimony that carries more power and integrity than that testimony of those Christians who dishonor their parents. It is not only good for people in a normal human sense, it is good for the cause of the gospel itself, it is good for the honor of God that we honor our mother and father.
May it not be said of us who claim Christ as our Lord and Savior that we have failed to put our faith in Him into practice by dishonoring our parents. Rather may the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit cause us to overflow in love, even to parents who have done evil to us, that it would go well for us on the earth.
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